I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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