I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
