So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Less talking, more tequila
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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