She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
