Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
