i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
