I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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