I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
