The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
thus making me awesome and them whores
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
