i would punch a child for taco bell
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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