I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
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Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
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i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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