I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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