I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
