I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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