i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
