Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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