Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
