I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
