Your dad touched me again.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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