sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
