My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
