Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
