at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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