Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
