So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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