I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Randomize