mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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