i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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