I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
