so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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