got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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