Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Be still, my beating vagina.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
whose parrot is this?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
