Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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