I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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