what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
