your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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