She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
