Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
