i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
