theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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