Someone shit on the floor
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
