i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize