That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize