I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
