Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
