I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
