You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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