How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
tell me about the fingering
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