God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
