I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
meet me or not, i'm out of control
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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