please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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