Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
