that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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