anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
