I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
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