You can't motorboat a personality
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
