god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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