Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
