I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
