My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
