I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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