I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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